Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is an important aspect of any romantic relationship. And when you’re married, being physically intimate is often taken for granted. During the early months and years of a marriage, you and your wife could barely keep your hands off each other.
But, things have a way of changing. You feel like you rarely have sex anymore, and when you do, your wife doesn’t seem very enthusiastic. Let’s take a closer look at why your wife never wants to have sex with you and why that romantic spark seems to have fizzled out.
Does Everyone Want To Have Sex?
This may come as a shock to you, especially if you’ve had an active sex life, but not everyone wants to have sex all the time — or have sex at all.
Various factors can impact people’s desire and choice to have sex. It may be based merely on attraction or lust, an expression of your love for one another, or be affected by numerous other factors beyond your control.
Reduced sex drive is also very common as people age, especially in women. Regardless of the reason, it is a personal choice that needs to be respected.
10 Reasons Your Wife Doesn’t Want Sex
#1. You Have Different Beliefs About The Importance Of Sex (And The Frequency) In Your Marriage
You may want as much physical intimacy as possible, but your wife may not share your enthusiasm. She may not consider sex a necessity or as a way to express her affection. There’s nothing wrong with having different opinions about sexual intimacy. It doesn’t mean that your wife loves you any less.
It will help to have an honest conversation about what sex means for you individually and as a couple, and then agree on something that will mutually satisfy both of you. It will allow you to compromise and ensure that both are sexually satisfied without feeling pressured.
#2. Your Wife Is Feeling Insecure
This is especially common after childbirth when your wife’s body would have undergone numerous changes. She knows this when she looks at herself in the mirror, and the sexiness and confidence she had pre-baby may no longer be as strong today.
Being intimate with you means being vulnerable in her skin. She may be feeling so insecure that she would rather not have you see her at her most vulnerable and thus avoid any sexual connection. This is where you can help.
Your wife can’t get better and more sincere affirmations than from you. Tell her how sexy she is to you and compliment her on what you find the most attractive about her. And make sure you do it when you’re not in bed together.
#3. She Is Juggling Too Many Things
Being busy and tired is not an excuse — sometimes, your wife simply has too much on her plate to even think about sex. This is especially true if your spouse works full-time and has children to look after. And let’s admit it, in most households, the wife takes on the bulk of childcare and household labor.
There are household chores that need to be done, caring for you and your kids, work pressure, and a million other things to do — all of which can leave her stressed and overwhelmed.
It’s crucial that you be an equal partner in your marriage instead of yet another person for your wife to take responsibility for. If you see dishes in the sink, wash them. If you see the trash can full, empty it. Don’t ask your wife what needs to be done — look around and take care of your home. It’ll help your wife see you as someone who gets things done, someone she’s sexually attracted to.
#4. The Pressure Is Getting Too Much
Your intention may not be to pressure your wife into making love to you more often, but it may feel that way to her. And if you tend to ask (or nag) for sex, your wife may start feeling frustrated and avoid being intimate with you.
You might feel it is something that married couples are expected to do, but that’s not always the case. Most of the time, when your wife is being intimate with you, it may be because she feels like she needs to. So, the act becomes an obligation or a task to tick off rather than an enjoyable and intimate act of love.
#5. Her Focus Has Shifted To Being A Mom And Not A Wife
Motherhood can be extremely exhausting and emotionally draining, especially for first-time moms. Many women feel incompetent when they make the tiniest mistakes.
Your wife wants to be the best mother to her kids. So, instead of finding the balance between being a wife and a mother, your wife may have shifted her focus to just being a mother. This can not only take a toll on your wife’s physical wellness but can negatively impact her mental health, too.
This is natural and far too common. What you can do is give her a break to enjoy a spa day or just an evening out with her friends. Or take a day off and get a babysitter or your family to look after your kids and have a date night to rekindle your love life.
#6. Your Kind Of Sex Is Not Her Cup Of Tea
Another reason you may want to consider is that the act doesn’t give her sexual pleasure. Many women who don’t get that satisfaction may lose interest in sex because only one of you two ends up being satisfied. The idea of being intimate is no longer appealing to your wife. So, she will find excuses to not have intercourse with you.
Communication is key to healthy and mutually satisfying sex. Are you too rough? Do you not engage in proper foreplay? Ask your wife what she likes. Sometimes, preferences can change. What your wife used to love may not stimulate her anymore.
#7. Nature May Be Taking Its Course
The culprit behind your wife’s low libido could just be menopause. If your wife is in her late 40s or early 50s, the estrogen production in your wife’s body may have started dwindling.
Menopause is not only accompanied by changes to her body and mood but also other symptoms like vaginal dryness, painful intercourse, or just a general lowered desire. Sex thus becomes more complicated and less pleasurable.
#8. Your Wife May Be Dealing With Medical Issues
Low libido can also be the result of undiagnosed health problems. Vaginismus or hypogonadism, for example, can play a role in your wife’s lack of interest in sex. Your wife may also be on some medications that are decreasing her sex drive.
Other gynecological problems like uterine fibroids, endometriosis, or PCOS can also lower libido or make sex painful. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is another common reason for a lack of sexual desire in some women.
#9. There May Be Unresolved Trauma
Estimates vary, but 1 in 4 girls in the US is a victim of child sex abuse. Such a traumatic experience can leave behind lasting scars. Many survivors never seek help, resulting in more injury and pain. For these wounds to heal, therapy and a strong support system are very important.
If this is the case, you should have a loving and patient conversation with your wife. Book an appointment with a therapist experienced in this trauma to help you and your wife find the way forward.
#10. There May Be Someone Else
No one wants to think, but your significant other may have found someone more significant. A sudden lack of physical intimacy is one of the most obvious signs of cheating.
If you’ve noticed your wife avoiding spending any time with you but is constantly stuck to her phone, it may be reason enough to worry and worth investigating. However, lack of sex does not always mean there’s infidelity — it could be any of the other reasons listed here, too. Be careful and certain before making any accusations.
Is Sex Necessary For A Happy Marriage?
Not always. Marriage without sex can survive, but it requires both partners to be open, honest, and respectful of each other.
Unfortunately, many couples never discuss this subject properly, resulting in resentment, dissatisfaction, and plenty of questions that remain unanswered. In the long run, this can cause emotional disconnection and perhaps even infidelity.
Open communication is necessary for all aspects of marriage to function smoothly. If you’re unsure how to broach the subject, consider couples counseling to facilitate a healthy conversation.
What To Do When Your Wife Doesn’t Want You Sexually?
Communication is key. You may have to ask some sensitive questions but never be accusatory or assuming.
Your wife has her own sexual story, and you need to understand her feelings and thoughts about sex. At the end of the day, it may have nothing to do with you but be caused by bad experiences or unhealed trauma related to sex.
It’s also a good idea to go for marriage counseling or even individual therapy. It will help you better understand your own feelings and hang-ups about sex and learn how to be better partners with one another.